It's Over - For Now

I guess this will be the last post to this blog - and this last post will be a long one, recounting the days up until her burial.

I intend to leave the blog up as long as Blogger.com will allow it to stand as a tribute to the most remarkable, finest woman that ever lived. And, no, I'm not biased at all when I write that.

On Wednesday after Mee Maw died, the four sons and their wives met together to arrange the funeral and plan the order of service. They involved a number of us grandchildren and some of the great-grandchildren. The eight grandsons were asked to be pallbearers, just as they were at our grandfather's funeral in 1988. I was asked to get with the other seven guys and sing the hymn "Near To The Heart Of God" during the service, another repeat from the funeral of our Paw Paw.

I looked in the hymnal and quickly realized that the hymn, as written there, was not well-suited to a chorus of male voices. So I determined that I would try to write a quick arrangement of the song for us to sing. I have a piano keyboard hooked to my computer and a copy of music notation software, so I was set.

After church on Wednesday night I played with the keyboard and developed a few ideas. Thursday evening I planned to start the notation process, but I had to drive to Birmingham to pick up our oldest son, who was being dropped off there by a friend. Friday evening gave me a good opportunity, and I planned to finish on Saturday morning.

Saturday morning brought thunderstorms. I am not going to turn on a computer while lightning is striking nearby and the electrical power is flickering. But by 11:30 the skies were clearing, and I hurriedly finished my work before going to my parents for a meal that our church, Cornerstone Baptist, had supplied.

The visitation at the funeral home was to be from 6:00 to 8:00 on Saturday evening. The family was to arrive by 5:30. I got there at about 5:20, and only my uncle James and aunt Roni were there. I had not seen Mee Maw in her casket, and the sight caused the first rush of tears of the evening. She was dressed in the blue dress that she is wearing for the photo at the top of the blog. The original dress that she had asked to wear would not look right because of the condition of her arms and skin.

The flowers were gorgeous. Almost all of the arrangements had soft pastel colors. There were a lot of roses, both red and yellow. There were mums, hydrangeas, snapdragons, lilies, orchids, and a bunch more that I did not recognize and probably could not spell properly if I did. There were also several pots of green plants, which were distributed among family members later.

At 5:30, people were already starting to line up outside and make their way into the chapel at the funeral home. There were people that I have not seen in many years, at least since the last tragedy or funeral. We renewed acquaintances and caught up on family matters, but the subject always returned to the reason that we were there. And to a person everyone commented on what a godly inspiration my grandmother was to them and their families for so long.

Things began to taper off after 7:30, so I assembled the other grandsons and we went into the director's office to practice. I think we sang through the arrangement about six times and felt comfortable enough to say that it would work. A couple of people heard it and declared that it sounded great.

Then came the dreaded day: Sunday, July 23rd. My brother-in-law could not preach in his own church in Mississippi, so he agreed to teach my Sunday School class for me. Good thing, too, for all the time I would have used for study had been taken with the music. He also agreed to preach the morning sermon. He mentioned that he had prepared earlier in the week, thinking that the service would be on Saturday, which is his study day. God worked out the schedule so I got to do my music and he got to preach his sermons!

Our service went OK until the offertory. My youngest sister's daughter Kate played the piano, and my other sister's daughter Hannah played the violin. The song they played was "What A Friend We Have In Jesus", which was one of Mee Maw's favorite hymns. Near the end Hannah hit a sour note. I would be lying if I said that I could not see Mee Maw close her eyes and wince as she did every time that a major musical mistake happened. When I mentioned after they finished that it was a favorite song of Mee Maw's, I broke down momentarily. After I read the morning Scripture passage, I led the final congregational song, "Children Of The Heavenly Father". The first line reads, "Children of the Heavenly Father Safely in His bosom gather", and I was unable to sing properly after that line. My wife had to leave the room in tears, for that is one of her favorites also.

After a quick sandwich lunch provided by Faith Baptist Church, we went to the funeral home. I was then instructed that I was also to lead the congregation in singing two verses of "It Is Well With My Soul". The reason, which I was supposed to say intelligibly somehow, was that Mee Maw remembered that song being sung at her mother's funeral when she was only 6 years old (92 years earlier!) and she had always firmly said that it was to be sung at her funeral as well.

The service began with Scott Matthews (Joel's son, Ralph's grandson), Jonathan Grant (the late Judith's son, another of Ralph's grandsons) and Hannah Sculley (Lynette's daughter, Ernest's granddaughter) playing a violin trio of "Sweet Hour Of Prayer". Then Paul Stowe, who is our pastor and school administrator at Cornerstone, where Mee Maw attended, read her obituary and, in his own humorous way, paid tribute. He was the first speaker, and he was the first to choke up.

Daniel, James' son and the youngest of the grandchildren, then got up to read Scripture passages that were dear to Mee Maw. He had a few wonderful comments, and he also had difficulty at times speaking without tears. It was all the more special knowing that he and his wife Solita had just announced that the next great-grandchild was on the way, due in February of 2007. This one will never know his or her great-grandmother. Nor will any others that follow.

Next came the "Pallbearer Chorus", as we jokingly called ourselves. We filed into position and I gave the starting note with a pitch pipe. I honestly do not think that we missed a note. From my position singing at the end of the line it sounded great. Those listening in the audience told me later that it was extremely well-done. I assume they mean the performance, not the arranging. I thank God that he allowed me to do that as a tribute to Mee Maw.

My brother-in-law Donald, Lynette's husband, preached the message. In his down-home south Georgia way he opened the Bible and used Mee Maw's example to remind us of why we were there and why we "sorrow not even as others which have no hope" (1 Thess. 4:13). He, too, had his difficult moments.

My cousin Tim then got up and told Mee Maw's testimony of how she came to trust in Jesus Christ after trusting in baptism and church membership since she had been 12 years old. Tim then gave an invitation to those attending that if they did not know Christ as Mee Maw did, it would be a good time to come to Him. His voice broke momentarily, too.

I arose at that point and led the congregational song. I was OK until the last few words of my introduction, when I, too, succumbed to the emotion. The assembled people sang beautifully.

Tim then closed the service in prayer. We stood and waited for a while, and finally the funeral director and the attendants came in. He had been trying to start a CD that Joel had recorded with a couple of organ arrangements that Mee Maw loved, but the disk would not play properly. We had not thought ahead enough to check it out before the service.

The pallbearers lined up and transferred the casket to the hearse. We then loaded all of the flowers into a van, which sped off ahead to the cemetery. We waited almost 20 minutes for our police escort, which was late because of another funeral across town. Once they arrived, we drove to Roselawn Cemetery. My brother Philip and I drove the pallbearers in our own vehicles, preceding the hearse.

When we arrived, we removed the casket from the hearse. We had a momentary glitch when we had the casket in hand and were told to turn around. We were expecting to go to the grave with her head first, but the way that the plot was oriented she needed to go feet-first at this point. So we all had to change hands and move slowly to the grave and place the casket on the rails.

Tim did the graveside service. It was there that he broke down. There were few dry eyes among the family at that point. Tim had me pull out the pitch pipe and give a note, and all present sang all four well-known verses of "Amazing Grace". I found it extremely hard to sing at all, as did several around me. The sound was still beautiful.

The service closed, and everyone slowly left. My family and brother and sisters walked over to the grave site of my mother's parents and paid respects there. When we returned, we all picked flowers from the blanket on the casket and from the arrangements that were lying on the ground, wilting in the hot summer sun. My family was the last to leave. We watched as the vault was closed and then lowered into the ground next to the remains of her husband, Arthur Matthews. Several tossed flowers into the hole, turned, and left. I stood for a last look, and I very carefully deposited a single yellow rose on the top center of the vault. Wiping tears from beneath my sunglasses, I turned and walked back to my vehicle and left.

Boy, does it hurt. There is an emptiness inside that can never be filled. I can scarcely imaging what my father and his brothers must be feeling right now. She was mine for 48 years. She was theirs for 70. Now she is gone.

But as my cousin reminded us all, it was not a "goodbye". It is only a "good night". Someday, in the presence of God and the Lord Jesus Christ whom she loved so much, I will see her mischievous grin again. I will see the twinkle in her eye, so noticable in the photo on this page. I will hear her chuckle at a pun (will there be any bad puns in heaven?). I will feel her scratch my back again with her strong fingers. I will hear her say, "I've loved you for a long time, and I still love you now" as she would frequently say. Most of all, I will be able to fall at the feet of a loving God and thank him for giving me such a wonderful grandmother, a legacy of godliness and virtue, and I will praise Him for infinite wisdom and goodness in allowing so many to be affected by her life.

Good night, Mee Maw. We will see you in the "morning", either when we die and join you, or when Jesus Christ comes back and brings you with Him.

Good night.

I love you.

Obituary

Here's a link to the obituary in the Decatur Daily.

Funeral Arrangements

Arrangements for Mee Maw have been made with Shelton's Funeral Home in Decatur.

The family will be accepting visitors at the funeral home on Saturday evening, July 22, from 6:00 to 8:00.

The funeral is scheduled for Sunday, July 23, at 2:00 at Shelton's.

Interment will be beside her husband at Roselawn Cemetery in Decatur.

The family appreciates all of the expressions of prayer and concern.

Rest In Peace

Nancy Mildred Compton Matthews

Born March 4, 1908.

Died Tuesday, July 18, 2006, at approximately 9:00PM.

She is home now. She will rest eternally in the presence of her Lord Jesus Christ.

May God show his mercy to all of us in the family now.

Thank you for your prayers.

No Difference

There has not been any real change in Mee Maw's condition over the last couple of days. On Thursday evening, after Lori and I left, the four sons had a long discussion with the young doctor who is handling Mee Maw some of the time.

Side note:
For some reason Mee Maw's regular doctor is not allowed to work in the hospital. Therefore she has not had a physician with knowledge of her long-term care or her personal or medical history. While the young doctor and the others working there may be quite knowledgeable and competent, and I am NOT suggesting otherwise, they still do not know everything about Mee Maw.
End side note

The young doctor insists that Mee Maw is in extreme pain all over and that the best thing the family can do is to keep her unconscious until she expires. The doctor that appears occasionally from the local hospice disagrees, claiming that Mee Maw will indicate with bodily movement and facial expressions when she is uncomfortable or hurting. More on that in a moment.

The family got the doctor to reluctantly agree to allow the family to regulate the medications that Mee Maw receives. The main two medicines right now are morphine and Ativan (which is the medicine that keeps her sedated). They found out that Mee Maw had been receiving 4mg of morphine four times each day, whether there was indication that she needed it or not.

Since then, her morphine consumption has decreased dramatically. Early in the morning hours of Friday, Ann, who was spending the night with Mee Maw, reported that some attendants came in to turn Mee Maw so she would lie on her side. Mee Maw was not handled carefully, and it was obvious that she was hurting, so Ann called for morphine. The Ativan has been reduced considerably.

After my mother arrived for the morning shift, more attendants arrived and placed an air mattress on the bed under Mee Maw. Mom reported that they were much more gentle in how they moved the patient while they fixed her bed. Mee Maw appeared to be resting more comfortably afterwards.

My father sat with her this morning (Sunday). At one point she sounded like she was speaking, so he went over to her bed and asked her if she needed something. Among the usual sounds, Dad said that four times while he was listening Mee Maw very clearly said, "Arthur." That was her husband's name.

A bit later she indicated by agitated movement and expressions that she was hurting, so Dad allowed a 1mg dose of morphine. It had the desired effect, calming her and reducing her indications of pain.

My dad had a conversation earlier with a nurse (or doctor) from hospice about Mee Maw's pain. This person said that Mee Maw's pain is most likely local, not universal as the young doctor insists. She said that Mee Maw would indicate in her face especially if she was hurting and if the sounds she would make were sounds of pain. It was this that led Dad to request morphine later in the morning.

The only other unusual incident that Dad reported was that, a couple of times just before Alfred came to relieve him, Mee Maw clearly said, "Unh unh!" like she was disagreeing with someone. Who that was, or what it was about, no one knows. We have no idea what she is seeing, hearing, or experiencing right now.

The end cannot be too far off, because she has had no nourishment since last Monday. She has had some ice chips placed in her mouth, and my mother has cleaned out her mouth to try to make it more comfortable for her. The doctors say that there is nothing other than a feeding tube that could get nourishment to her, and Mee Maw forbade that many years ago. As a result, her body will use up what nutrients it has stored to maintain function and to try to initiate the healing process in the cracked pelvis. When the nutrients are gone, then she will effectively have starved to death. But that was her wish, and the family is determined to respect her wishes.

Continue to pray for all of the Matthews family, please. This is a stressful time for all of us. Those who live far away do not know how to plan ahead, since they cannot know when they will need to come to Decatur for a funeral. Those of us living here are doing our best to go through our daily routines, but anytime that the telephone rings it brings a moment of panic. It is hard on everyone. Pray for God's strength for all of us.

Thank you.

A Glimmer of Hope

My wife Lori and I returned to Decatur from Illinois today, a drive of "only" 11-1/2 hours. Upon returning and speaking with my mother on the phone, we went up to the hospital.

When we arrived, all four of Mee Maw's sons were present. Alfred and his wife Mary had arrived. Ralph and Ann were there, as were Ernest and James. Also present were Mike Grant (the husband of the late Judith, one of us 13 grandchildren) with his wife and 3 of Mee Maw's great-grandchildren.

Apparently Mee Maw's kidneys are still functioning. So just after lunch, at Ralph's and Ernest's insistence, they restored the saline IV drip. Then Ralph had a long talk with the doctor about her medications. Last Monday they increased the dosage of the pain killer (perhaps the morphine, too; I am not totally clear about that detail), and since then Mee Maw has been mostly unresponsive. My mother told me that earlier in the day Ralph had loudly said, "Momma! Momma!" across the hospital room, and it provoked a response from Mee Maw. She moved slightly and either grunted or said, "Huh?". So Ralph discussed with the doctor the possibility of removing or reducing some of the pain medication to see if she would regain some ability to communicate.

When Lori and I arrived, I went to the edge of the bed, bent down, and said, "Hi, Mee Maw, it's Rick!" She grunted something. Lori got the same response. In conversation with Alfred, he said, and others confirmed, that earlier in the evening she had almost said something recognizable. There was, however, universal disagreement about what that was.

After a short visit, Lori and I left so that the great-grandchildren, who haven't seen Mee Maw as often, could have a few moments to work up the courage to speak to her. As we left, I again bent over her, kissed her head, and said, "Goodbye, Mee Maw. It's Rick. I love you." She definitely responded to that! Then Lori repeated it, and got an even greater response.

So the hope now is that perhaps reducing the pain medication can bring her to consciousness enough that we can all enjoy our last moments with her. Who knows? Perhaps the Lord will allow her to recover enough to go to a nursing home for a few days, weeks, or months. None of us know.

What we know for certain is that God is in control, and He will do what is best for Mee Maw and for all of us who are His children. We can trust Him in all things, including this.

Thank you for your continued prayers. Even with an encouraging day like today, it's still hard on everyone. While driving today, Lori and I would jump anytime one of our cell phones would ring. "Pins and needles" doesn't half describe it right now. And I'm sure that we're not the only ones as nerve-wracked as this.

Another note: Tim, Ralph's oldest son, is on his way to Greenville, SC. My sister Lynette will be traveling there this weekend for a music camp next week for two of their children. Alfred is here from North Carolina, but I don't know how long he can stay. Mike and his family are here from Tennessee. There are a lot of different schedules that can be forcibly "rescheduled" by changes in Mee Maw's condition. Please join our families in prayer that when the time comes, it will be the least disruptive for everyone involved.

A Matter of Time

I spoke again with my father Ernest this evening. The news was not good about Mee Maw. Apparently her kidneys have now failed. Because there is no more output for liquids, the doctor removed the saline IV drip. Now, what fluids that are in her body will begin to fill the lungs and cause difficulty in breathing. She has already begun coughing a bit. Then, it is just a matter of one or two days, according to the doctor, before she is gone.

My parents went to the hospital after their lunch today. Ralph and Ann were there. Mee Maw was lying on the bed with her head listing to one side. She had been like that most of the morning, according to Ralph, and was totally unresponsive to any stimulus.

So now we are all just waiting on the phone call. When it comes, the difficult emotional times will begin. Please pray for all of us, and again, especially for the sons and wives, as we all deal with this. We knew it was coming, but still it is impossible to be totally prepared for it.

One optimistic note, however: she has been feeble and unable to walk well for months now. Very soon she will have no more physical limitations. She will be more alive than we are now, and it will be a life that will last forever! She has expressed her longing for that many times. Her wish is soon to come true.

Still No Better

While driving on an interstate highway in Illinois this evening, I spoke with my father Ernest. He updated me on Mee Maw.

Earlier in the day Roni, who had spent the night, called everyone up to the hospital room because Mee Maw's blood pressure and her blood oxygen level had decreased. This was, according to her, the beginning of the end. The sons and their wives grouped together, but so did the blood readings and the crisis ended.

Ralph spent time talking with the doctor. He emphatically says that he did NOT say that the cancer was causing Mee Maw's problem. He DID say that the cancer was probably spreading, but that it would be impossible to determine without some further long and invasive (and expensive) tests. He said that Mee Maw's condition was primarily due to the shock of the broken pelvis and the effects of the pain medication on her mind. He told the family that "she would not be able to stand it" if they were to take her off of the pain medicines.

She is not getting much nourishment. Yesterday my mother was able to feed her a small cup of applesauce, but that is all she has taken in several days. The doctor mentioned the possibility of removing the saline IV, but that keeps her body hydrated and perhaps prolongs things a bit. Mee Maw always emphatically said that she DID NOT want to be force-fed or fed through a tube as her husband was. So if she will not eat, she will eventually succumb.

My dad was able to get her to respond for a brief time this afternoon. Mee Maw will open her eyes and acknowledge things. She is still not clear in her head, however, because the morphine and other medications have really fogged her mind up.

The doctor also said that the pelvis will most likely never heal. With her age and her body's condition, the resources are just not there to promote bone healing. Another factor he mentioned was that the bone marrow comes out of the bone and into the abdominal cavity, causing additional complications. Nothing short of surgery could help that, and surgery is completely out of the question.

So at this point it is a matter of waiting. The consensus is that Mee Maw will not leave the hospital alive. It hurts to write that, and it hurts worse to think about it, but it is a fact that must be dealt with.

Please, as requested in the previous post, pray for Mee Maw to be free from pain and discomfort. Pray for the family, especially the 3 local sons and their wives as they deal with the final matters. And please pray for all of us who love her that we can accept God's timing in taking her to her eternal reward, where someday we all shall be together again.

Not Good

Lori, Allison, and I are in Illinois to install Ally in her new job at a day care. So any information I can post will be received by cell phone or carrier pigeon, whichever arrives first.

On Sunday Mee Maw was sedated. She was increasingly agitated in the bed, so the doctors decided that the best thing for her is to keep her unconscious. Someone from the family is still sitting with her around the clock if she regains consciousness and needs something.

Her room at the assisted-living facility has been canceled. Two of her sons took care of moving her stuff out and back into the house. James took care of canceling the phone, cable, and newspaper.

The doctor met with the family this afternoon, according to my father Ernest. He says that the cancer from her liver has spread throughout her body. Dad was not sure how he was able to determine this, unless it was by the blood tests. The doctor says that Mee Maw should stay in the hospital because it is just a matter of days (he specifically said "about a week") before she succumbs to the cancer. Dad did not mention to me anything about the cracked pelvis or the damaged leg. Also, how would a fall such as that suddenly cause a cancer outbreak? Did the stress on her body cause something to erupt? Or was it already happening and this just weakened her body enough to make it harder for her system to fight it any longer?

Anyway, this looks to be a very difficult few days ahead for the family. Please pray for all of us to have strength through this. Pray especially for the 3 local sons, James, Ernest, and Ralph, and their wives, who will be bearing the responsibility in these last few days. There are still decisions to be made. When the time comes for funeral arrangements, many more decisions will need to be made. The oldest son Alfred, who is not in the best of health himself, will also have to travel from North Carolina.

It's not going to be easy. It never is.

Please pray. Thank you.

Bad News

Mee Maw has been doing wonderfully. She had someone sitting with her all of the time until she recovered from her last fall. That ended last Tuesday, and she has not been very happy. She got used to having someone there all of the time to talk to, we suppose.

She has been walking well and her mind has been sharp. She continued to complain about some of the pain from the fall in the bathroom, but those complaints have been diminishing.

Until now.

I just got a call from Lori, who got a call from my mother, saying that Mee Maw fell again this morning and was taken to the emergency room. Preliminary indications are that her hip is cracked. The doctors are admitting her to the hospital at Decatur General, but as of this moment we do not know the room number.

The doctors are already telling the family that she should not return to the assisted living place. That supposedly mean a nursing home of some type. I guess we will see about it after a few days in the hospital.

Please pray for Mee Maw and the family right now. This is not going to be easy for anyone.


UPDATE Saturday PM:

Mee Maw is in Room 351 at Decatur General Hospital. She is heavily medicated, including morphine. She is not in much pain, but she is quite confused. X-rays clearly show a crack in her pelvis. There was also a large gash in her right leg that took several staples to close properly.

For some reason she was in the emergency room from about 7:00 in the morning until after 2:00 in the afternoon. No one could say why it took so long to get her a room.

We also do not know exactly what happened to cause the fall. All that anyone can get from Mee Maw is that she was bending over to get her pillow and that there was a chair involved. There is nothing around her regular chair that could cause such a gash. It could be that she was leaning out of the wheelchair and fell out. Or she could have reached for the wheelchair to catch her balance and the chair rolled away from her. My mother thinks that the walker was involved somehow. Whatever it was, we may never know. We aren't even sure how long she was there before she was discovered, or whether she had the presence of mind to press her emergency call button that she was supposed to be wearing at all times.

Lori, Allison, and I just returned from visiting her. Allison wanted to say goodbye, since she is moving to Aurora, Illnois, on Monday to take a position in a day care ministry up there. When I walked in Mee Maw's room and spoke to her, she immediately recognized me and "scowled" in that typical Mee Maw way, pointing and asking, "Who's 'dat'?" During our visit she would have moments of lucidity, but most of the time she was complaining about not knowing what to do. She just "knew" it was time to get up, and she kept pulling the sheet off so that she could swing herself out of bed. We kept pulling the sheet back up to keep everyone in the room from being embarrassed and telling her that she had to stay in bed.

The charge nurse came in to check on her and asked her if she knew what day of the week it was. She replied, "I have no idea." Then he pointed to me and asked her if she knew who I was. "I never saw him before!" she said with a slight smile and a faint twinkle in her eye. The nurse laughed and looked at me. "Was that her wit showing through?" he asked. I could only smile and nod.

Mee Maw knows there is something wrong in her head. She is most frustrated because she cannot think or express herself clearly. That must weigh on her more than anything. She has been so independent and clear-headed for so long that this bothers her more than the physical discomfort. Most, and probably all, of the confusion is medically-induced. Dad says it most likely will be even worse tomorrow when the medicine fully kicks in.

Given her physical weakness, her current medicines, and other conditions, there were certain forms to sign. Probably the hardest form that her son James (who has power of attorney) had to sign was the "living will" or "do not resuscitate" orders. If something were to suddenly happen, the staff would not take heroic measures to try to save her. The good news is that the emergency room doctors said that her heart is unusually strong for a 98-year-old woman. The bad news is that she is a 98-year-old woman with a cracked hip and narcotically-fogged brain.

There is a possibility that she can be moved out of the hospital on Monday. But there is no way that she can return to the assisted-living facility. So the family is already scoping out nursing homes. Monday will bring the need for many decisions. Please pray as you go to church tomorrow that God's will will be done and that Mee Maw will be able to be comfortable and well again somewhere very soon.